Bachelor Number 4: Mr. Libra
I had something really shake me and my life up recently. It was love.
When it ended suddenly, I was on the phone with my mom and I was grieving. She said something to me that I think many mothers would say to their daughters to try and make them feel better, “You learn something from everything”. She was right and I told her she was. This whole letter is about just that actually, but in that moment, what I couldn’t ignore, was an even louder truth ringing inside my body and my psyche on repeat from deep down inside of me. I couldn’t help but feel the knowing that came to me like a rocket and I said it out loud, “Yes, but even more I let myself FEEL that.” Every time I read that last line I cry. I cry because I did feel it. I also did it different in so many ways this time. This isn’t the same old story for me. Today as I write this I sit here with my mistakes and my wins and what I know is that I loved him with all of my body and all that I could in the short time we knew each other. I wasn’t cautious with my heart and I dove right in. I let myself experience that. I’m so grateful for that. I know what it’s like to be alone. I’ve been alone most of my life. In many ways it’s easier. I didn’t choose easy this time. I chose brave and I let myself feel what it was like to be available for love after years of walls and protection. I let it change me and move me and I’m really fucking proud of myself.
I’ve been sitting with myself for 2 straight weeks. It feels like a rebound. It feels like that moment in my yoga class where we go ALL OUT and get breathless and then sit in meditation and feel all the feelings. Wisdom slides in during the rebound. I didn’t distract myself with being with other people or being social or going out on New Year’s Eve. I made myself write about it which meant I had to feel it. I had to deal with it. I wouldn’t let myself get numb. I sat down to write this story at least a hundred times and didn’t. Sometimes I just wasn’t ready. Sometimes grief would punch me in the stomach and instead of writing the story I had to hold myself like a precious child. I left my house these last 2 weeks only to teach and to workout. I would be in a class and it felt like these little alarms were going off inside my body; alarms of truth and knowing. This story eventually wrote itself.
I believe what came to me here was what I asked to know. Every time in my life since I was a teenager that I experienced deep emotional pain or turmoil I would say this prayer, “Dear God, let it be for something.” I believe this story is an answer to that prayer.
One of the loudest alarms going off inside my body, the one that won’t leave me alone that screams so loud everyday since the breakup is this: The fact that I loved Number 4 has far less to do with him - although he is a lovely man. What I know now is that it has EVERYTHING to do with me. I let myself go there. I’ve proven to myself that I’m available for love.
What I want to touch on in this letter to you is how these 4 months have changed me. Not only that, it has made me stronger. I am stronger with the help of Number 4. I will touch on where I was before I met him, what I experienced and learned while I was in it and lastly, where I am now.
Let’s catch up… In August I first opened up about dating again. In June of 2018 I dove right into dating and was experiencing moments of joy, mystery and hope with these really great men I was going out with. That hasn’t changed. The other thing that I have been experiencing is rejection - them not choosing me. What is also still true is that my creativity is bursting wide open because my emotions are wide open. That hasn’t changed either.
In August I met a man that I am calling Bachelor Number 4 : Mr. Libra. We we hit it off right away. Although it was new, the relationship felt both deeply right for me and like something that had serious potential. I wasn’t in it for a fling although I have done that in the past. I wasn’t in it because sex is fun. Although it is. I was in it to grow and to love and to be loved. I was choosing to put my heart on the line. I wanted to do it different with Mr. Libra. He and I communicated well at first and I told him my fears immediately (on date 3) about how I believed I was addicted to unavailable men and he announced to me that he was not one of those men. He said he was available and he was. I felt it for a very long time - until he wasn’t, of course, and that’s when the ending of our relationship began.
He became emotionally unavailable the last 2 weeks of our relationship because he was pulling away from the relationship. He ended the relationship because he had a change of heart. I believe he chose himself. I believe in that.
This didn’t break me, although I grieve. I let this soften me and I will continue to let it soften me. I let it open me more. Grieving is warrior training. It’s not easy. Some days I can pick myself up off of the floor and some days I can’t. I have made it to teach yoga every day and that’s been saving me in so many ways.
I find myself out of nowhere feeling like someone punched me in the gut and I collapse or bend over, losing my breath. I have screamed and sobbed and cried buckets of tears. In public those first few days I had to change my sobs into silent screams while thunderstorms would go off in my chest. This grief is shaking me up at my core and I’ll tell you soon why that is one of the greatest gifts Mr. Libra has given to me. There’s gold in grief. Nothing makes you pay attention quite like it.
Here are the Top 10 GIFTS I received from my relationship with Mr. Libra:
When I met Mr. Libra I was somewhat obsessed about whether or not the man standing in front of me (including him) was available or not. I was afraid of being with an unavailable man. When I read my last post about it I can’t help but feel how different I am today. I don’t feel like the same person at all and it’s both weird and exciting. I can actually say with honesty that I don’t care about that. Actually. it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I know better. A lot has happened in four months. What I learned is that available and unavailable are not fixed locations. They are moment to moment choices for everyone. People don’t live in absolutes. The truth is always moving. The challenge isn’t opening the heart, it’s keeping it open. There are no guarantees. People have choices… forever.
Speaking of unavailable, my fear of it turned into a reality and I was given the gift of sitting with this fear. I heard this quote and I love it, “The cave we fear holds the treasure we seek.” Sitting in my fear, this cave felt like death. It felt like I was giving birth from my mouth sometimes. The grief, fear and pain were so deep. I sat in my deep, deep fear of abandonment and I sat in it alone. Because of this, I am changed. I faced it. Why am I no longer concerned if someone in front of me is available? Because for the first time ever I know this with absolute certainty... I AM AVAILABLE. Did you hear it? Let me say it again: I am available. For the first time I know it without a doubt. I have proven it to myself. I’m not obsessed if the next man is unavailable because I know without a doubt that I am available. Nothing feels the same here. I’ve created a new story. Anyone I give my time to, I will give my heart to.
I have a history of leaving but I didn’t this time. I stayed and he left. Something that I will mention here today too is that my relationship before with my ex-boyfriend Frank was another one that I was willing to fight for and stay in. I was willing to take on the challenges we were facing and stay together. He told me no because the challenges were too big. Both times of feeling left, I felt gutted. My pattern of leaving no longer exists. What I take away here is HUGE. I honestly think I used to think that I couldn’t stay. That’s not a story I’m buying into anymore.
A gut check can mean one of two things. It can be my highest guidance or it can be projection or fear. Sitting for the last two weeks and thinking about the relationship I thought about our choices - both his and mine. I couldn’t help but hear this alarm going off in my body: The Sabateour speaks history fluently. We all have a part of ourselves that sabatoges ourselves when we are about to step into a new level of growth and life. Guidance hits us in the gut. So does fear. Fear is full of history. It’s full of projection. It’s a trigger that leads to a whole story having nothing to do with the moment. Guidance usually leads you to the unknown and to the thing that will help you get strong. Guidance is not about controlling difficult emotions or feelings. It’s about facing them. This is something that I will take with me into my next relationship because I choose to hold myself to a higher standard of choices moment to moment. I want to recognize moving forward when I’m acting from history or from the now.
Something I learned and learned well for the 100th time is: communication is the ball you never want to take your eye off of. I mean it. I think Number 4 and I got a little too proud of our great communication at the beginning of our relationship and we took our eye off that ball. One of our biggest challenges was that we didn’t see each other that much because of our schedules and because of that we needed to communicate better in certain ways to stay connected. We stopped communicating well and that’s a recipe for disaster. When people don’t know the story, they will make it up. This happens when you have little information and fill the rest up with insecurities. We assume. We label. We judge. There’s a disconnect. There’s confusion. I’m forgiving myself for this.
You can be going through one of the hardest things in your life and still be ok. I’m learning this. I wanna send a huge hug to anyone going through it right now. You are not alone.
In yoga we say. “Whatever is inside of you, yoga will find it.” One of my favorite definitions of yoga is relationship. Whatever is inside of you, intimate relationships will find it. I feel this truth more than ever. It’s messy sometimes. I’m so sick of running from the mess. Something else I’m feeling more than ever is how ready I am to face it.
One of my biggest wins in this relationship is that I never got drunk or chose to drink or numb in that kind of way around Mr. Libra. I never one time wanted to be unconscious or to drink. Not one time. That has NEVER happened before in a relationship with a man for me. I’m usually drinking on the first date. This is huge for me and it shows me once again how available I am. I needed to know that I could that. And it felt amazing. I wanted to feel it all with him.
Love and grief are two sides of the same coin. If you love, you will grieve and in the end, I know much I loved by how much I grieved and am still grieving. I also know that I’m strong enough to go through both. Grief is non-negotiable with love. I’m grieving hard and that means I loved hard. And I am still standing here with my hand in the air saying “Put me in coach.”
The last gift is that for whatever reason I always would give myself a year or more to grieve. Mr. Libra is helping me learn that I don’t need to stay down. He is showing that I can get right back up. Not because I need someone to fill a void, but because I want to experience all of the things that come with love - all the wonderful things. I am learning that you can grieve and move on at the same time…he is showing me that I can choose to RISE and be STRONGER right away and that’s exactly what I’m doing.
PS. I am already dating again. I have a date tonight with a Leo. Let’s see what that Lion can bring to the table. I also have two other Bachelors on my radar. One of them being Bachelor Number 2: Mr. Scorpio. I reached out to Mr. Scorpio and asked him out. He said yes. I can’t wait to FEEL what happens next.