You are Right Now

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This is about a woman whom I love dearly.  She came into my life like a force and an answer to my prayers about 6 years ago.  She is like a second mother to me. From the moment I met her until this very day she has always been there for me, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. She really shows up for me, time and time again. When I think about her and how she has impacted my life, it makes me cry.

She will deny it, but I will say it’s absolutely true that she has saved my life more than once.  She helped pull me out of the darkest places. When I made my life a BIG mess, she helped me pick it up and put it back together,  she helped me take my power back. She opened her home and her life to me and while she did she held me accountable to take care of myself.  She never judged me or made me feel shame when I had come to her after being on drugs, or beat up, after losing a pregnancy, or after losing all my money.   She just picked me up and helped me put it all back together.

She cheers me on when things are good and she would do anything for me.   How do I know this? She shows me, again and again. She always checks in on me and does not let me get away with hiding while pushing me to be the best person I can be. She is boldly honest and will not sugar coat anything to make you feel comfortable. She has one of the softest and kindest hearts I have ever known and she may not know it but she has helped me become me, because she is so boldly her.  I love her and she loves me and it’s a love that is healthy, accountable, honest and so powerful.

I would do anything for her and when she texted me late last Sunday night and invited me to breakfast the next morning, I said yes and canceled my other plans.  At breakfast we started talking, neither one of us like to speak about the weather so we talked about what was real. We laughed, we cried, we celebrated how far we both have come.  She and i both have a thirst for wisdom and spirituality so we get deep fast.

At one point she looked at me with sincerity and began to cry.   She said, “Diana, I have done  so many wrong things, I’ve made so many mistakes. I don’t even know how to make them right.” I looked at her without hesitation and I said, “You do it by loving me.”   And we both breathed in that feeling.  “You do it by loving anything or anyone right now.”

If there is anything I have proven to myself this year is that I am not my history: I am who I choose to be right now.   

So much has happened with me and my relationships this year. Many of them fell apart and so many of them have grown stronger and deeper. To those of you that have been following my journey on here, I am currently in the beginning stages of a healthy and new romantic relationship with an available man who inspires me everyday. I have never showed up this way before in a romantic relationship and I am surprising myself everyday. I am also talking with my father, whom I had not been in contact with for years and it’s been extremely healing and healthy and honest (I’ll share more about this later).

If there is anything I can say about how I have moved myself into healthier relationships and how I have broken many old patterns, it is that I unapologetically chose to love myself this year. I chose myself over and over and over again.  

When I open my eyes and look at my friends and my relationships I cry with the deepest gratitude in my heart because they are all so fulfilling and healthy and I created that for myself. It didn’t just happen. I intended for it to happen and I worked hard to make it so.

To my friends, I love you hard. To those of you out there reading, I hope you keep choosing yourself as you follow your gut and your intuition. Some relationships will fall apart to make room for ones that match the new you, the one you are right now.  When you choose yourself, the people that will choose you will show up. Be relentless on this path. Be unapologetic. Risk everything for yourself and you will find you’ll be sitting at the table with the ones that will risk it all for you.